Have you ever slept so much that you just feel like going back to sleep, but you just can't?
That's how I feel right about now.
Sleep Hangovers.
Assholes.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Messy Closets
Anyone ever felt like they trap themselves in situations they really can't separate themselves from? Actually, better question. Anyone ever find it hard to seek solace in themselves after giving so much of yourself to other people and their situations, socially and emotionally, that it seems as if there is no chance of receiving your own space?
One thing about me and my ideas of friendship...I give my all. I don't hold back. I will go out my way to be a friend to somebody I consider a friend.
Another thing about that though, I feel like sometimes by me going out my way, I forget how to get back to myself, and I don't want other people helping me to navigate my way back. I think it's the thought of other people following me back to my own personal safe zone that I attempt to keep quarantined from the rest of the world that keeps me from doing so.
I feel like I spend so much of my time in other people's worlds, making sure everything with them is great and less chaotic, thinking that it will have a direct effect on my world, making it more peaceful and settled. Funny thing is, for a certain amount of time, it actually does feel that way...like nothing is wrong.
I've come to a few realizations though. At least I feel like I have.
1. Peace and tranquility in anybody never lasts forever. - As much as I love helping people through situations, once I feel like I've helped through a situation, I admittedly feel like things will be good for a while. Often times, it's not the case, and I usually find myself going back and helping out again. I think it's just the feeling of knowing what it's like when other people feel at peace and me not wanting them to experience otherwise for any longer than they have to that motivates me to keep doing it. If I have energy to give to someone, which I always pretty much keep reserved, I'll give it. And I won't think twice about it. I'll find the extra energy if I need to, not leaving any for myself knowing I'll get the energy back. All the while I'm more than sure that they'll end up happy without those issues ever arising again. Psyche.
2. Solving other people's issues do not automatically solve my own. - When other people are happy and peaceful, I'm happy and peaceful.......for a limited time. After a while, I realize that I will eventually have to return to my own problems and issues, those of which I let nobody truly see, solve, or empathize with. Often times...okay I'm being honest. I don't like to have to solve my own issues. I DEFINITELY don't like people helping me to solve my issues. I just have a feeling that my issues will just kindly go away as time passes. Instead, I love being able to help people with their own tribulations. I am very capable of empathizing with other people and giving unbiased advice. I also tend to give my views on the issue just for other people to see what another person may think as opposed to telling them what would be best for them. I basically allow people to think for themselves, which I think is best. When I see people happy, I feel happy just based off the fact that they are feeling better than they had been. That little sense of happiness tends to make me forget about all the things that had been bothering me. With that, I tend to hope solving other people's issues will, in some way or another, provide a solution to my own problems. It never does.
3. Hiding the issues in the closet do not solve the problems. - Y'all know how your parents would tell you to clean your room back when you were a kid *or if you're a kid now, or if your parents still tell you to clean your room*, and instead, you would just throw everything in the closet, making the room seem apparently clean? For that time being, the room is clean, until you open your closet door and everything comes tumbling out, realizing you have to go through everything eventually but remain satisfied in re-stuffing your closet, saying "I'll get to it later" while stuffing whatever mess has accumulated in with initial mess. I feel like I handle my issues the same way. At first, it's not too much of a bother to where I feel like I absolutely have to handle them right away, so I don't. In my mind, I'll be okay. Then something else ends up happening. I feel like I can handle it, but I don't want to at the moment. In the closet it goes. I find other stuff to do and help other people clean up their issues, all the while forgetting about the mess I have in my closet. After being tired from whatever activities I was doing, I go in my closet, and I view the mess. Overwhelmed, I leave it alone, saying "I'll get to it later." And the cycle continues until, eventually, I can no longer fit anything into the closet, and it becomes this enormous task that seems impossible to finish. Yet and still, I don't want help cleaning it up because I don't want people to see what I've been stuffing in my closet and neglecting to handle. Temporary happiness is just that. Temporary. As opposed to handling the issue when it's very minor compared to how it can progress and become something major, I become complacent with the idea of temporary blocks of happiness, thinking in this mind state that eventually it'll be permanent without much confrontation with my own demons. Doesn't work.
4. You can't give to others what you can't give to yourself. - I always tell people that "Sometimes, you aren't being selfish by being selfish." Doing what's best for you without regard to other people is the best thing you can do for other people. Of course I'm the hard-headed person that doesn't listen to the things I say. As I said earlier, I'll give everything I have, and more, towards my friendships with other people, with the thought in mind that I'll somehow have something for myself. Question, how can you have something for anything if you give it all to something else? You can't.
In essence, I realize that I do everything that I don't want, or really allow, other people to do. Honestly, I haven't exactly figured that all out yet, but it is a realization nonetheless. Also, with all that, I'm so wrapped up in what I do for others that I fail to acknowledge what needs to be done for myself. Sometimes, it's almost like I forget how to, and in my quest to re-figure that out, I almost gather a following of people that want to return the favor I kinda don't want. So I never complete that quest. I'd just rather dwell in others' issues with the mission of making them better, in hopes that one day, everything will be good and I can...in a sense...sneak away and take refuge in my own messy closet.
But like I said, people will always have issues. Including myself.
Where do I balance?
How do I balance?
Why can't I involve others?
Why do I involve myself SO much when I know I don't allow reciprocity?
Am I being fair? Not only to myself, but to others?
So many questions. So many answers.
I bet the answers are buried somewhere in my messy closet.
One thing about me and my ideas of friendship...I give my all. I don't hold back. I will go out my way to be a friend to somebody I consider a friend.
Another thing about that though, I feel like sometimes by me going out my way, I forget how to get back to myself, and I don't want other people helping me to navigate my way back. I think it's the thought of other people following me back to my own personal safe zone that I attempt to keep quarantined from the rest of the world that keeps me from doing so.
I feel like I spend so much of my time in other people's worlds, making sure everything with them is great and less chaotic, thinking that it will have a direct effect on my world, making it more peaceful and settled. Funny thing is, for a certain amount of time, it actually does feel that way...like nothing is wrong.
I've come to a few realizations though. At least I feel like I have.
1. Peace and tranquility in anybody never lasts forever. - As much as I love helping people through situations, once I feel like I've helped through a situation, I admittedly feel like things will be good for a while. Often times, it's not the case, and I usually find myself going back and helping out again. I think it's just the feeling of knowing what it's like when other people feel at peace and me not wanting them to experience otherwise for any longer than they have to that motivates me to keep doing it. If I have energy to give to someone, which I always pretty much keep reserved, I'll give it. And I won't think twice about it. I'll find the extra energy if I need to, not leaving any for myself knowing I'll get the energy back. All the while I'm more than sure that they'll end up happy without those issues ever arising again. Psyche.
2. Solving other people's issues do not automatically solve my own. - When other people are happy and peaceful, I'm happy and peaceful.......for a limited time. After a while, I realize that I will eventually have to return to my own problems and issues, those of which I let nobody truly see, solve, or empathize with. Often times...okay I'm being honest. I don't like to have to solve my own issues. I DEFINITELY don't like people helping me to solve my issues. I just have a feeling that my issues will just kindly go away as time passes. Instead, I love being able to help people with their own tribulations. I am very capable of empathizing with other people and giving unbiased advice. I also tend to give my views on the issue just for other people to see what another person may think as opposed to telling them what would be best for them. I basically allow people to think for themselves, which I think is best. When I see people happy, I feel happy just based off the fact that they are feeling better than they had been. That little sense of happiness tends to make me forget about all the things that had been bothering me. With that, I tend to hope solving other people's issues will, in some way or another, provide a solution to my own problems. It never does.
3. Hiding the issues in the closet do not solve the problems. - Y'all know how your parents would tell you to clean your room back when you were a kid *or if you're a kid now, or if your parents still tell you to clean your room*, and instead, you would just throw everything in the closet, making the room seem apparently clean? For that time being, the room is clean, until you open your closet door and everything comes tumbling out, realizing you have to go through everything eventually but remain satisfied in re-stuffing your closet, saying "I'll get to it later" while stuffing whatever mess has accumulated in with initial mess. I feel like I handle my issues the same way. At first, it's not too much of a bother to where I feel like I absolutely have to handle them right away, so I don't. In my mind, I'll be okay. Then something else ends up happening. I feel like I can handle it, but I don't want to at the moment. In the closet it goes. I find other stuff to do and help other people clean up their issues, all the while forgetting about the mess I have in my closet. After being tired from whatever activities I was doing, I go in my closet, and I view the mess. Overwhelmed, I leave it alone, saying "I'll get to it later." And the cycle continues until, eventually, I can no longer fit anything into the closet, and it becomes this enormous task that seems impossible to finish. Yet and still, I don't want help cleaning it up because I don't want people to see what I've been stuffing in my closet and neglecting to handle. Temporary happiness is just that. Temporary. As opposed to handling the issue when it's very minor compared to how it can progress and become something major, I become complacent with the idea of temporary blocks of happiness, thinking in this mind state that eventually it'll be permanent without much confrontation with my own demons. Doesn't work.
4. You can't give to others what you can't give to yourself. - I always tell people that "Sometimes, you aren't being selfish by being selfish." Doing what's best for you without regard to other people is the best thing you can do for other people. Of course I'm the hard-headed person that doesn't listen to the things I say. As I said earlier, I'll give everything I have, and more, towards my friendships with other people, with the thought in mind that I'll somehow have something for myself. Question, how can you have something for anything if you give it all to something else? You can't.
In essence, I realize that I do everything that I don't want, or really allow, other people to do. Honestly, I haven't exactly figured that all out yet, but it is a realization nonetheless. Also, with all that, I'm so wrapped up in what I do for others that I fail to acknowledge what needs to be done for myself. Sometimes, it's almost like I forget how to, and in my quest to re-figure that out, I almost gather a following of people that want to return the favor I kinda don't want. So I never complete that quest. I'd just rather dwell in others' issues with the mission of making them better, in hopes that one day, everything will be good and I can...in a sense...sneak away and take refuge in my own messy closet.
But like I said, people will always have issues. Including myself.
Where do I balance?
How do I balance?
Why can't I involve others?
Why do I involve myself SO much when I know I don't allow reciprocity?
Am I being fair? Not only to myself, but to others?
So many questions. So many answers.
I bet the answers are buried somewhere in my messy closet.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Refresh
So I recently had to have my hard drive reformatted. Something corrupted it and it wouldn't be removed without it being completely cleared.
I lost all my music because of it.
I almost feel lost. I had a lot of music.
Now, I have to start all over. Gladly my brother and my mom have a good portion of my music on their iPods, so I can get some of that back somehow.
I don't have an iPod. I do have a droid now though!
I need an external.
Bye.
I lost all my music because of it.
I almost feel lost. I had a lot of music.
Now, I have to start all over. Gladly my brother and my mom have a good portion of my music on their iPods, so I can get some of that back somehow.
I don't have an iPod. I do have a droid now though!
I need an external.
Bye.
Yea...
As somebody that loves to keep everything bottled inside, I realize that may not always be the best thing for me. I've realized this plenty of times, but I'm just hard-headed. That and I don't really like writing. But I must admit, it is a bit therapeutic for me...so I'm going to start back up this summer. Real talk. So, yea.
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